


Half-Cooked Seafood

by Lost_to_the_Night



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Related Fandoms - All Media Types, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Dysfunctional Family, Fluff and Crack, Misunderstandings, Social Media, Teenage Kronos, Unreliable Narrator, actor percy jackson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:48:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25471147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lost_to_the_Night/pseuds/Lost_to_the_Night
Summary: Just some raw ideas and scenes that received generally good responses on Discord. I just thought I'd share them here and see if anyone bites.Prepare for... Teenage Kronos! Percy Jackson, hero by day, actor by night! Blackjack the Motorcycle! And others!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Teenage Kronos

**Author's Note:**

> I have ideas in my head, but no time to start a whole new story, so... Here you go. Some raw, unedited clay for the playground of Fanfiction. What do you make of this? Any ideas, thoughts, or comments?

* * *

Teenage Kronos

* * *

Let's say Tartarus doesn't allow aging. It's pointless if you just... die of old age or become too old and immune to all the… _whatever_ … that place'd throw at you. No, you come out at the same physical/mental/emotional age you came in with. A baby cyclops that is killed would still reform as a baby cyclops, not a full-grown cyclops hungering for revenge. 

Kronos is being raised. Hephaestus has done some snooping after the quest group left and reports his findings to the rest of the gods, who then set up a rotation to keep an eye on the questers. When they see Percy entering the titan palace where Krono’s golden sarcophagus rests, the gods who are currently watching somehow light a fire under their collective behinds and band around the area he's being resurrected at. They're armed and ready for the fight of their lives. They face the titans, who appear when they sense their mortal enemies arriving in their territory. 

The titans form a staggered semicircle around Kronos’ sarcophagus as Luke leads Ethan Nakamura into finishing his pledge of allegiance to Kronos. There’s light. A blast of power shakes the very air. 

The dust clears to reveal... a teenager? 

A wrecked, depressed, guilt-riddled teenager who refuses to defend himself. He's cut-up and bruised. He's shaking and curled up. They all think that something got mixed up—this can't possibly be Kronos. 

Then he flinches at someone's approach and scrambles back on his hands and—there's a peek of gold eyes. It _is_ Kronos. The gods are glaring at the titans, thinking that this is all some giant trick to get them to let down their guard. The titans are glaring at the gods, thinking that they did some voodoo on Kronos to make him weaker. Because... a _teenager_?

Because it's been a long time. Like, the titans had been _young_ during that first titan war. Their memories of Kronos are unreliable. He always _seemed_ bigger, stronger, meaner... simply because he was the closest to their mother, the biggest baddie of them all. All the monsters... never even _met_ the dude; all they know of him comes from hearsay, rumors, and second-hand info from the titans. And the gods? I mean, you can't really get to know a dude when you're in his stomach.

Speaking of that, Kronos is really, _really_ sorry about that, but that was the only way he knew how to keep them safe from their primordial grandmother (Yeah, Gaia shouldn't be around kids. Not even her own. No, Kronos refuses to talk about her.). After all, how does a godly teenage father keep his kids safe when the very _ground_ they stand on is the enemy? 

Simple. 

You protect them with your own body. 

So now the gods have an abused, tortured, overpowered teenager who happens to be their dad, yet is younger than some of their own kids if you convert godly age to mortal age. And they're sort of feeling guilty about how they beat him up. And, like, he didn't even defend himself. And, shoot, he's _flinching_ whenever they get near... 

Look, we hate the guy... Thousands of years' worth of hatred and bad feels and all... but tossing him back into Tartarus isn't the right thing to do. 

What now?

**Possibilities:**

> a) Kronos was the _nice_ little brother in a family of evil. That means he was the punching bag for the rest of them. When they lost the war, the titans immediately set Kronos up as the fall guy to get the heaviest punishment so they could get lighter punishments. 
> 
> b) ...Or, _alternatively_ , he only _acted_ evil around his siblings and Gaia, 'cause he wanted to protect them from Gaia. Gaia focuses all her attention on Kronos, leaving his siblings alone. That makes his titan siblings think he's the biggest, baddest of them all, and what leads to them now trying to summon him—they’re _tired_ of the punishment they face from the gods and just… want it all to end. And they think he has that power.

**Back to the Main Story**

Titans: _Stares at teen Kronos in a fetal position on the ground. Stares at the gods._

Oceanus: F***. He's a... 

Iapetus: He always seemed bigger in my memories... 

Hyperion: I... this isn't right. We aren't going to make a kid fight our battles for us, are we? This— _this isn't right_. 

Oceanus: ( _softly_ ) Hey there. Kronos, is that you?

_Oceanus reaches for Kronos, who flinches and cowers, backing himself into a rock._

Oceanus: Oh, s***, what do I do? 

_Hyperion pulls Oceanus back and kneels down, then hesitates. Deciding to trust his siblings to watch his back while he is vulnerable (and how long has it been since he last trusted someone this much? He can't remember. It mush have been back when Kronos was still that strong, immoveable figure in his mind, back before their fall, before Tartarus), he deages himself to a similar age to Kronos._

Hyperion: ( _softly_ ) Little bro? 

_Kronos stirs slightly. He raises his head to look at Hyperion, who raises his arms in the universal 'hug me' gesture. Slowly, Kronos uncurls himself. He stares at Hyperion for a long moment before dim recognition appears in his eyes. He starts reaching back to Hyperion when they are interrupted._

Zeus: _Clears throat uncertainly and raises master bolt._...Uh, prepare to die? 

Titans: _Silently steps in front of Kronos in grim unison._

**Possibility a)**

Gods stare at Titans and Kronos. Titans stare at gods and Kronos. Kronos...is curled up, sobbing. Someone—Hermes?—trips/coughs/drops weapon. Whatever it is, it’s _loud_. Everyone flinches at the sound and someone attacks. Within moments, there’s a full battle raging. Someone takes advantage of the confusion to grab Kronos and teleport away. 

The hunt is on.

The gods do a quick roll-call. They conclude that none of them have Kronos—the titan of time is in the hands of his siblings. Security measures are put up around Olympus.

Meanwhile.

The Titans try to "fix" Kronos. They strengthen him, armor him, screw with his head, and place him on a battlefield. He’s deadly. Millennia of pain and torture and everything dark is spilling out. 

He strikes down a demigod. Then another. Then a puny goddess. Grabs a demigod that tried to attack him from behind and tosses him several dozen meters away. Pathetic. A godling manages to block three strikes before he falls. A shadow behind him—he turns, bats away a trident while knocking his opponent to the ground and raises his scythe and— 

_Eyes, he recognizes those eyes, who are they? he knows them, gazed down on them and promised to keep him safe, he knows those eyes, those eyes are, they are... he_ knows _them, they belonged to his... his..._

—"Son?"

**Possibility b)**

A loud sound still alarms everyone. Within seconds, a battle is brewing. Thousands of years of resentment and hatred... not even the shock of seeing Kronos in this state could've stopped this. 

A titan still grabs their defenseless brother, still teleports away. The titans retreat with their unresponsive little brother. 

They halt all war preparations. Who cares about a war when their _baby brother_ needed them? But no matter what they do, what they say, he won't move, won't even _look_ at them. He stays there in his corner, refusing to eat or do the godly version of sleeping. They are frantic. After weeks, they... let their guards down a bit, leave him alone for a moment. And he... _disappears_. 

Cut to Olympus. 

It is in a state of alert after Kronos' rise. Everyone is ready for battle. Kronos walks through the streets. None take notice because... Kronos is supposed to be an adult capable of leveling cities, not a emaciated, beaten-looking teen. 

Kronos enters the throne room. The gods are arguing their next move. They... don't realize that it's Kronos at first. They thought that the titans would've aged Kronos up, healed his wounds by now. Half of them weren’t even there when he rose. The younger gods haven't even _met_ him, and that glimpse they got a few weeks back was too brief, and they didn't get a clear view anyway. 

The gods tense, ready to defend their thrones from the enemy who somehow got through layers of security and minor gods... only for Kronos to fall to his knees. 

They notice the tiny details. His wounds, while cleaned and treated, haven't healed. He's still heartbreakingly thin. When he speaks, his voice is barely a whisper. Then, they realize what he is saying.

And he is begging them to kill him. 


	2. Lights. Camera. ACTION!

While at the West Coast for a quest (let's face it; 75% of quests lead west), Percy runs into a 100% mortal movie director who thinks he's hot s***. I mean, the _action_ , his _charisma_... All those _explosions_...

> Movie Director: No, no, no!
> 
> _He rubs his forehead and flaps a hand in the air._
> 
> Movie Director: Cut! This story needs more... more...
> 
> _Spots Percy having a stand off with a biker/gangster. Police cars burst into flames._
> 
> Movie Director: _Yes._

After that whole issue with Ares and the Master Bolt, Percy gets contacted and casted as an actor in an drama movie. The cast and directors think he's a method actor. They want to know where he found all his cool stunt-actor friends and how he did all those special effects. 

Percy… Percy is just trying to survive all the monsters attracted because, _hello! Demigod in close proximity to electronics and cameras?_ He also does it because he wants to pay his mom back for all the stress he’d caused her and all the money she spent sending him to boarding school and whatever.

And, what if…

Percy is _good_. His ‘improvisation’ and ‘initiative’ (A.K.A. Percy beating up various monsters that attack… while on camera) takes the movie in a whole new direction. 

> _The lead character, the lead character’s love interest, and Percy turn a corner and walk into a hall where an empousa stands sinisterly. Percy, the side-character, grabs the love interest’s wrist and drags them down a perpendicular hall. The lead actor blinks, pauses mid-step, and gamely follows after Percy and the love interest._
> 
> Director: Who is that extra? Tell them that they’re not in this scene. Wait. They’re going down the wrong hall. What the…
> 
> _The empousa follows them. What happens next his a high-action scene where (according to the mortals) a psycho girl with a flamethrower and bladed brass knuckles attack the trio, deflected by Percy wielding a spatula. The scene ends with Percy exploding pipes and collapsing the entire second story of the set on the girl._
> 
> Lead Actor: Er… Is she still alive?
> 
> Director: That. Was. Incredible.
> 
> Lead Actor: Are we just going to ignore the fact that some poor lady probably got squished to death by a couple tons of metal and wood scaffolding? 

Half of the scenes in the movie are “spiced up” by their new actor. In fact, both the lead character and the lead character’s love interest are then demoted to supporting characters. They don’t even mind besides a half-hearted protest, because that boring “workplace romance” movie they were filming became an action-packed plot about sabotage and criminal dealings. Trailers have to be remade. New posters are released. 

That movie hit the charts and blew all the records. Everyone is clamoring to hire Percy.

> Director: He’s the most dedicated method actor I’ve come across.
> 
> Ex-Lead Actor: He's... really something.
> 
> Preteen Side-Character Actress: _Sigh..._ He's _sooo_ dreamy....
> 
> Demigods: ...

Percy acts for a couple other films. Like with the first film, his presence results in a few additions to the original script. A snake-lady interrupts a snake pit scene, hellhounds cause an impromptu car chase, etc. All the movies become hits, mostly due to the chaos caused by wayward monsters. To Percy's surprise, the entire set absolutely loves the destruction that he usually tries to avoid at school. 

Then.

When some old Hollywood bloke hears about how Percy revamped the script and took a look at the original, boring script…

He offers funds for Percy to direct his own movie. Percy accepts. Three guesses on what his movie is about.

Behold. Perry Johnson: the Lightning Thief. 

> Percy: Wait, he looks nothing like my dad. 
> 
> Director: Well, duh. Of course he looks nothing like your dad. Your dad isn't Poseidon, and he's playing Poseidon, _Perry Johnson's_ dad. No one cares about Percy Jackson's dad. 
> 
> Percy: ... 
> 
> Percy: Well, I demand someone two inches taller, some black hair dye, and a pair of sea green contacts.
> 
> For the Perry Johnson series, Percy picks people who have resemblance to the actual people: character/personality, body type… He brings in hair dyes and wigs, contacts, makeup (anything’s possible with the Aphrodite cabin at your back), clothing, photoshop... _bringing the frickin' real people in..._
> 
> Costume Director: Wow, who did your legs? They look... _Runs hand down fur_
> 
> Grover: O.o

On a different note, Rachel’s parents approve of their daughter becoming a Hollywood darling. The connections, the _prestige_ it brings to the family!

When the movie comes out...

> People at Percy's boarding school: But... That's not what happened... 
> 
> Percy's Past Teachers: That boy has too much imagination... What? Me? Oh, no. I _loved_ Percy! He was my favorite student!
> 
> Nancy Bobfit: ...Miss Dodds?

And, sure, having the director(s?)/Hollywood people actually be a god (or gods) doing it for his own amusement to screw with the puny half-blood is a perfectly acceptable plot point, but...

I think the whole "this is a machination by a god" plot twist is overused and cheapens the experience. Just my unpopular opinion.

So...

What if the gods have no idea what's going on, until _WTF, these mortals KNOW I'm Hermes? Random maidens walking up to the hunters by the dozen, knows who we are, and want to join?! Why the F- are there random teenagers burning Hot Pockets to me before an exam/their pacer tests/they ask that cute girl out? Like, they don't know we exist, right?? RIGHT???_

Chiron and all half-bloods decide not to let immortals know about the movies 'cause... "They messed with our lives. Let's see them on the other end of that stick." The Wine Dude is the only other immortal in the know. Not even the Hunters know--they spend their time mostly in the wilderness.

The ones in the know use the publicity of the series to push their agendas. Grover starts a group to save the trees… _And he walks around in his costume while volunteering!!!_ AND, LOOK! HE’S A METHOD ACTOR! Yes, he’ll pretend that you, mortal, are helping the satyrs in Pan’s place. Sometimes, he’ll bring other method actors. Other satyrs, nymphs, naiads… Sometimes, "monsters" would even "attack" the group while they do community service. It's the new coolest thing ever. The action is superb. Like, it looks like the swords actually go _through_ the monster actors. And no one could figure out how the monsters vanish, not even the magicians and escape artists. 

(Percy does the same with the ocean, starting preservation groups and the like.)

On the less mortal end of the scale, though...

With all the sacrifices and acknowledgement, the gods’ power level spikes. They’re more powerful than they have ever been, even back in the golden age of the Greeks (Don’t underestimate the power of fan girls/boys, groupies, and geeks. They can be true fanatics). When the time comes, the gods are _ready_ for titans. They _zap_ that giant monster. Then, they hop to Olympus, ready to defend their seats of power and assist their children… who absolutely do not need them. 

Because on the more mortal end of the scale...

Via #PowerOfTwitter, Percy summons Very Angry Fans to storm New York during the battle. 

Percy: Help! These guys are trying to prevent us from filming the last movie!

Or, conversely, very enthusiastic fans--( _Hands paint guns to demigods, whispering, "Shoot all the monsters"_ ) "Hey guys, we're filming for our final movie of the Perry Johnson Series! If you want a chance to appear in the movie, head to New York. We're doing a city-wide event. Anyone with neon green paint on is a 'monster.' 'Demigods' who arrive are granted souvenir weapons to stab the monsters. Make it as gristly as you want-these things are harmless. I swear!"

Some group (IDK, NY government? A city-wide battle seems inconvenient. Actors who were trying to gain a role?) shows up to inform Percy that he can't just get a bunch of random people to act out a full-on battle in the middle of a crowded city. 

> Percy: _Shrug._
> 
> Percy: Okay, I _just happened_ to send an invite to all my close friends and family to have a paintball battle. Whoops, accidentally sent it to all my followers. Double-whoops, I must have misplaced my collection of imitation weapons... Hey, want to join in, for fun?

The entire thing is captured via body cams and drones.

#BasedOnATrueStory

The monsters are mobbed. And beat up. They won’t be a problem for several centuries. 

After Percy's most recent hit, "Perry Johnson: The Last Olympian," 'Team Annabeth' vs 'Team Rachel' gets a little out of hand, even when Rachel does an interview on how, as an Oracle, she is not allowed to date, ever. Annabeth does not like.

Actually, maybe one of the gods found out about the series. They helped buy and set up the NY cameras. There are _a lot_ of cameras. Maybe it’s Hades… He lives in LA. It would make sense that he’s a bit more connected to the mortal world than the other gods. In fact, his shadows _protect_ the cameras when a talon/baseball bat/projectile comes close to damaging them. In fact, he does so much that it’s added into the credits: “SPECIAL THANKS TO DI ANGELO FAMILY FOR CONTRIBUTIONS IN THE MAKING OF THIS FILM.”

This… does not have the reaction Percy hoped for. Someone connects “Di Angelo Family” to the actor “Nico di Angelo.”

> Haters: Nico is only in the movies 'cause his dad paid off the director.
> 
> Nico: _Regrets agreeing to do Percy a favor and act as himself._
> 
> _Percy: Well, d***_. My plan to patch things up with Nico (via making him a movie star) backfired spectacularly. 
> 
> Random Girl Casted as Bianca: Bruh, you got him this gig as a _favor_ ??? _Pfft._ Congrats, dude. He's, like, the fourth most hated person in the U.S. right now. 
> 
> Percy: ... 
> 
> Percy: I'll just make him awesomer in the next scene.


End file.
